3. not being prepared for test
I like to think of myself as apathetic in order justify the fact that I practically live the life of a social recluse. i’ve countlessly reinforced in my head the notion that “there’s no use in interacting with people; they can go ahead and have their conversations and small talk but it all just seems pointless and banal to me, leave me out of it.” it’s all just a defense mechanism, though. a stupid and atrociously shallow minded one at that. i maintain it because i’ve rendered myself nearly incapable of tolerating the possibility of disappointing others and disappointing myself. i can’t help it though, can i? my brain is wired to be clumsy in conversation; attempts at even the simplest of exchanges often entail grappling around the dark convoluted space of my mind for words, wit, and catalysts of conversation. it drains the energy out of me more than anything. sorry to disappoint but i’ve hit the point of depleting the stamina and patience needed to deal with this problem and I really don’t know what to do anymore.
these days I am seriously doubting my ability to be a functional member of society
Hiroomi Nase - Kyoukai no Kanata 8